he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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