no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
