Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
