nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
should my penis look like a turkey
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
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