Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
