May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
