never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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