I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
