the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
