two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
