ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
