I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
