Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
