My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
