Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
