i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
