got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
