id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
