Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
