i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
