yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
