i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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