I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
