Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
