I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
