So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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