you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
