Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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