if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
