the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
