I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
