I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
FUCK WHALES
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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