drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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