it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
