Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
