He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
