Got a toothbrush?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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