P.S. I can't hear my feet
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
