one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
