it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
