A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
