stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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