There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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