my phone needs a breathalizer
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
