It's like God shit irony all over that family
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
