Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
