You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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