Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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