i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
