You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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