Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
