im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
