I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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