I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
