apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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